(this is also posted on my other blog, explaining my absence)
I’m sorry I disappeared for so long. We’re all doing well, the baby bun is still baking just perfectly. We been through a couple of colds, a terrible packed ear issue (mine), putting our dog to sleep, my step sister’s baby shower (out of town), and then her delivery (Welcome Emma Mae!!). Oh yeah… somewhere in the mix, hubby slipped putting stuff in the attic and took a 2×6 to his man regions!
This isn’t the “why” behind where I’ve been, it’s just a list of what I’ve been up to lately. The “why” is a bit more complicated…… God told me a year ago to “Go Home” and while I physically left work and stayed home I wasn’t really here…. so He proceeded to do a little reminding.
This is my third time staying at home with my children. I can remember sitting at my desk at work, a week after my husband found his new and wonderful job, sobbing uncontrollably because I knew in my heart God wanted me home with my children but my husband wouldn’t give his blessing on me quitting my job. We’re terribly in debt and he felt we needed the money and the insurance. After a few weeks I was able to show him that in the end we were almost losing money (with the cost of gas and daycare) and that the quality of our family life was terrible. I was SOOOOO excited the day I turned in my notice. I couldn’t even hide it. Everyone at work knew I was NOT sad to be leaving.
I had promised myself that this time would be different. I wasn’t going to spend all day trying to sell stuff or sign up for things or search for ways to make money online. I was going to do all those things that I wanted to stay home to do: bake cookies, homeschool, do crafts, take the girls to the park, cook nice healthy meals.
I had been home roughly 9 months as of this past January. One day my screen on my laptop went out. I wasted the entire day moving furniture and rigging up a monitor to my laptop so I could still be online from the living room couch. If I’m in the living room then I’m still participating with the family right? I realized that there were days where I seemed almost annoyed at having to stop and make the girls lunch. Making sure I had taken pictures for my post had become more important than enjoying the activity I was taking pictures of, like when we made Christmas ornaments. I was spending hours finding really cool stuff to do for our school work, but never actually doing it. When you tossed a terrible case of morning sickness and shear exhaustion on top of it you ended up with one pooped, cranky, obnoxious, meany pants of a mommy and a wife.
I started to cry, daily. I started to pray. Our finances were being neglected, our family was being neglected, and I could see I was watching my whole world fall down around me while I posted messages on the forums and updated the template on my blog. What am I doing? I wasn’t doing ANYTHING I wanted to do at home. I was going to make the girls dresses, start scrapbooking, take them to the library….. and yet we sat at home all day everyday. I even did all that I could to avoid going to the corner market for some bread.
First, I stopped posting to my blogs, to my cafemom, and to my myspace. I had obligations to others (as moderator and blogger) that I tried to maintain, until that too began to take over. The more I did, the more God made a point to remind me what I was doing wrong. So about a month ago, I gave it all up. Aside from checking for emails from my out of town family, I didn’t get online. I would respond if someone IM’d me… long enough to tell them I couldn’t chat but hoped they were doing well. People began to worry about me, as it appeared I had just disappeared.
First, I cleaned my house… I vacuumed up all of Beanie’s dog hair and washed all the blankets. I packed up my excess craft stuff and move my youngest daughter into her own bedroom. I went out and bought GOOD food and learned a few new recipes. We made coffee filter flowers and went outside to gather sticks and pinecones and sat on the front porch listening to my wind chimes. Twice now, I have let the girls help me make homemade biscuits and at least three times a week we have bacon, eggs and pancakes for breakfast instead of a bowl of cereal.
I forgot to have faith that if God wants me home then He will provide, provided we are obedient and responsible with what he provides. (What I mean here, it that my husband is blessed with a job that makes us more than enough money to buy food… provided we don’t do something stupid like blow it all in Walmart buying toys…. ) I kept trying to take care of it all on my own, cover my own bases, and stopped calling on my Father, stopped trusting in Him.
I’m not going to go away for good. Being online is like any other addictive behavior to me though. I’m going to have to be very careful not to slip again. Maybe now my posts will be more interesting, because I won’t be posting to raise my page rank or sell ad space…. I’ll be posting because I had something to share.
Thank you to everyone who left comments checking in on me! You guys are the best!
Well, I’m off to start a load of laundry and pick up before my little babies wake up….God Bless!